


SATANBEARS

by alec



Category: Brave (2012), How to Train Your Dragon (Movies), Rise of the Guardians (2012), Tangled (2010)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, POV First Person, POV Jack Frost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-06
Updated: 2015-06-06
Packaged: 2018-04-03 03:18:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4084660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alec/pseuds/alec
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Sugarless Gummy Bears Challenge consists of consuming a bowl of Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears (5 pound bag) with your friends/coworkers/loved ones and then seeing who can last the longest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	SATANBEARS

"Jack, that's a lot."

"Oh, come on! That's at least as much as you get from a bag at the store!"

"The ones you buy in the store aren't supposed to make you shit your pants." Merida looked at me, her expression level. Even if I hadn't been looking into the face of 'reason thrown to the side', I would have giggled. We were actually doing this.

About three weeks ago, Heather from maths class sent me a link over Facebook to an Amazon page. No context. Just the link, followed by: "READ IT. ALL." I had opened it, not sure what I was expecting but somewhat disappointed. A character flaw of mine is my sweet tooth, and so a five pound bag of gummy bears was tempting. Even if they were sugar free ( _why would anyone want that, though?_ ). I scanned the page, looking for anything that might have been worth her bothering me, and was about to ask her what the hell she was talking about when I saw it. The reviews. I couldn't make it through the first one without crying, and I was having a hard time breathing by the end of it. I almost peed my pants during the third one.

There were over a hundred reviews, all saying the same thing: these gummy bears — while delicious — would make you shit your internal organs.

I was immediately overcome with one sole drive: I needed to have these. Flash forward a week, and I did. Amazon is nothing if not fast. It took a great amount of self control to not open the bag now and eat a handful. The fact that it would be me pranking myself and making my own ass explode wasn't something that would deter me. But I had to hold off. I had a purpose with these.

It took me the following two weeks to convince the others. Rapunzel had given in with almost no convincing; she knew immediately what I was feeling and what I was thinking, and we just giggled from across the table. Hiccup was the one who took the longest. The amount of effort it had required from both of us to get Hiccup was almost exhausting.

The plan was simple. It was a challenge between the four of us. Each of us would be given a bowl of the gummy bears — equally portioned — and we had to eat all of them. Then, we just do nothing. That's it. We'd watch a movie, or play a video game. Maybe even bust out some of the boardgames that Emma and I have stored up in the hallway closet. The last one to poop wins.

And for the record, Hiccup was overreacting right now. This was a reasonable amount of gummy bears per person. We were barely putting a dent in the five-pound bag. They looked delicious, and they felt soft and shone brightly in the light. My mouth was salivating and I wanted to pop one in my mouth already, but I caught myself as I was picking one up — I was about to eat the rest of them anyway, but there was no point giving the others a headstart.

We picked up our respective bowls and everybody followed me into the den. The lights were off and the blinds were closed. Mom was with Emma at the state preliminaries for gymnastics and wouldn't be back until late Saturday. Naturally, we needed to be home alone. Mom wasn't exactly a fan of my jokes and pranks, and I was pretty sure there were a whole lot of things for her to object to in this plan. She and Hiccup would be a power couple.

"So wait, how exactly are we doing this?" Hiccup asked once we were all seating in a circle in the centre of the living room. Rapunzel already had herself wrapped up in the large blanket that we had laying on the couch.

"You eat them," she said, gingerly picking up one from the top of her bowl and tossing it into her mouth. The look on her face moments later corroborated the reviewers that these were indeed delicious. Hiccup looked at her dubiously.

"Obviously. I meant, are we all going to eat them all now? Or do we eat them while we're watching the movie? What's preventing you from just eating them slowly or not at all?"

That wasn't any fun. He had a point — I hadn't thought about that — but having to think about reckless decisions takes the fun out of making reckless decisions. Merida caught the question before I could, though.

"What's preventing you is the fact that we're all friends, and if we're going to suffer we're going to do it together."

"Yeah, Merida's right," Rapunzel chimed in. "We can just eat them while we're watching the movie, but you have to be actively eating them. Like, maybe a bear a minute?" she said, picking up another one and tossing it into her mouth. She would be the first to fall.

Hiccup looked down at the bowl in front of him, and I was positive he was going to try and get out of this. Sure enough: "Are you guys sure you really want to do this?"

"We've come this far already, haven't we?" I asked.

"We haven't even started."

I grinned at him as I got up, turning on the TV. "You guys have any movie preference?" That nobody else objected was enough of a response to give Hiccup.

We settled on Pacific Rim. I was fairly certain we had all seen it before, but it had been a year or so since I'd last seen it, and I got swept away with the action before the title burned onto the screen. I realised my leg was jittering and my pulse was somewhat sped up, and looking down I'd already burned through half of the bowl. _God_ , these things were so good it was sinful.

I glanced over at Hiccup, who was sitting on the floor on the other side of the sofa, back against the ottoman. He was so peculiar; he never actually _sat_ on the thing. I cocked my head up, happy that he couldn't see me, and looked down at his bowl. It was more full than mine, and I was going to say something, but he picked up a bear and put it in his mouth, chewing slowly.

There was a certain dynamic to our group. Rapunzel and I — we were the troublemakers. The daring ones. We pulled the other two out of their own worlds, and were simultaneously often the reason that they got in trouble. Not that they couldn't on their own; just that, _statistically_ , she and I got them into trouble more. But the same way on the other end, Merida and Hiccup were the practical ones. They were both whizzes at science and maths and basically everything else that the teachers tested you on. And they were the ones that held Rapunzel and I back from doing anything _too_ stupid. Rapunzel and I have a way of hyping each other and upping the ante, and I'm sure that the other two had _actually_ saved my life in advance of some plot at least _once_.

But the thing is, I don't think we've ever sat through a movie silently. I've had butter and popcorn kernels down my hoodie at least twice at the cinema before. More often it's Rapunzel and I making jokes and then laughing obnoxiously (there was one time that she sprayed chocolate milk all over Merida when she laughed, and I'm doing my best to get her to do that again). But the dialogue this time was lead by the brainiacs almost exclusively.

"What the fuck is this shit?" Merida called out at the screen. She was seated to my left, but her arm flying out still distracted my eyes all the same.

"You talking about the knocking the pillar?" Hiccup asked.

"Yeah. This is the same time they used that joke. _In the same fight_!"

"I dunno, I'm still trying to figure out why aliens from another dimension would make a giant gorilla."

"Shhhhhhh," I hissed jokingly. I reached for a gummy bear to throw at the back of Hiccup's head, but the bowl was empty.

The following fifteen minutes were followed by intermittent dialogue. I don't want to make Merida and Hiccup out to be boring or uptight. Hiccup's deadpan got me pretty bad when the giant Pterodactyl carried the Jaeger into outer space.

We just got to the part where the two scientists clasp hands and stare into each other's eyes lovingly and decide to threeway mindmeld with a dead Pterodactyl when Rapunzel stood up in front of me, blocking the screen. We all looked up at her — this being the first actual movement any of us had made. She rolled her shoulder and stretched her arms under the attention, and started slowly around the sofa towards the door. "I'll be right back, guys."

"Rapunzel's out!" I called back, grinning ear to ear. I had honestly been feeling really disappointed that nothing had happened after almost an hour.

"No, I'm fine. I just need to go pee real quick. I'll be right back." She disappeared around the corner and I could hear the bathroom door close down the hall.

I don't think any of us believed her — the entire challenge was to just _not_ go to the restroom. She was already out and done. That left just three of us remaining. The movie continued playing — the scientists were running back yelling that the plan wasn't going to work — that "major plot twist" where the well-thought out plan needs to be changed to an unplanned one that miraculously works. That was going on in front of us. But I'm pretty sure we were all focused on Rapunzel. I mean, she was _the first_.

I don't think I'll ever forget the following minute. I will go to my deathbed, surrounded by all my grandchildren, IV dripping into my arm, nurses in the background, listening to my own heartbeat, and they will say to me: "Grandfather, why are you smiling so?" And I'll rasp out between laughs: "I'm remembering the time Rapunzel ate a bowl of military-grade laxatives."

It was quiet after she left for twenty, thirty seconds. And then, in a dainty voice as though barely louder than a whisper but still clear enough from down the hall I hear: " _Oh dear_." And then the hallway explodes into noises. Feet are pounding hard against the back of the door like a gorilla, and I only know those were her feet because her hands were busy, one banging against the wall, the other making long scratching noises. And the _screeching_. I couldn't believe that anybody could make a noise so terrifying, so primal, so inhuman. It sounded like a family of bears were fighting an especially pissed-off eagle in my bathroom, and in between were almost demonic chants of "GODDDDDD" and "JESSUSS CHR- _IIII_ ST" and something that was probably supposed to be a word but sounded more like a donkey's braying.

On the one hand, this was the funniest thing to possibly ever happen to me. This moment right here made the entire purchase worth it, and I couldn't hold back the fit of laughter. But it was a little hesitant, because I realised I had also eaten exactly what had put her there.

I turned around to the other two. Merida was like me — smiling, but with fear — but Hiccup just looked terrified. I looked down and, yep, he'd eaten the whole bowl.

The noises didn't die out; they kept coming on, and if the reviews — which were now apparently 100% accurate — were anything to go off of, they wouldn't stop for a _long_ time. We didn't say anything, just wordlessly looked back at the screen and pretended to watch. I saw Hiccup glance at the crucifix on the wall and make the sign of the Cross, though. God that boy is adorable.

None of us were watching the movie. I was seeing pictures in front of my eyes. There were like two or three monsters now (I couldn't tell which) and they were all fighting the robots. One of the robots brought out a chain sword that nobody had mentioned before but it took me probably two minutes to realise he'd used it to cut the monster in half. I think. Robots. Yeah.

Merida's voice somehow cut through the animal orgy in the bathroom and the other world I'd wandered into.

"Hiccup."

There was no response.

"Hiccup."

I was looking at the boy now, and he looked a complete wreck. His hands were clenched into balls against his leg, which was shaking violently. His jawline was angular, which only happened when he clenched his teeth _tight_ , and his eyes were always large but they were _huge_ right now.

" _HICCUP._ "

This time, he started violently, as if we'd caught him doing something obscene. He whipped his head towards Merida in the kind of jerky spasms that happened when you were over-analysing every movement. He looked at her, and his left eye twitched.

" _Go_."

"OHTHANKGODOHCHRISTOHFUCKOHMYG—" and he was out the door, running the opposite direction towards the staircase, heading upstairs towards the bathroom by my bedroom. His footfalls were heavy and we could hear each one clearly, and then which one he missed that caused him to fall down the entire staircase. "FUCKOHSHITOHMYGOD—" and I honestly wasn't sure anymore if this was just cursing or if he was warning us: 'I'm sorry, Ms. Overland, for the large amounts of human fecal matter all over your entrance hall rug.'

The discomfort was setting in. I wasn't quite sure when the feeling of " _almost_ kinda gasy" has set in, but it was within the past five minutes that I had begun to be painfully aware of it. I was trying to remember if I had been feeling this before Rapunzel had left and just not been aware, or if these things had an exact detonation clock. There was no longer an "if this has any effect" mentality; the future was very real and I was already seeing it all around me. I didn't regret what had brought me here, and inwardly I was laughing. It was a nervous sort of laugh, when you see yourself surrounded by what's probably going to kill you. It had to be an inward laugh, though; I was enough in tune with my body to know that a major fit of laughter here on out would cause me to shit myself.

As my bowels were tipping themselves into the red zone, there was only one thought in my head left: _You've got to beat Merida_. We both had to be suffering. This was a fair fight, and I was going to win. All I needed to do was outlast her, and I was going to do that by focusing on the movie with all of my strength.

I've never watched a movie more intensely in my life. My eyes were so wide and my attention was so focused that my eyes were analysing the colours as they flowed together. They were descending into the Breach now. The Jaeger. Uh, Gypsy Danger. Piloted by Mako. And what's his name. Raleigh. They were going down to the alien world. Mako was being pulled up into the ceiling. She was being ejected. There go the air pods. She's going to float on water that apparently exists between dimensions. Don't think about the sound your bowels just made.

The screen was going red. On and off. There were countdowns. The Jaeger was going to explode. It was the bomb. He was trying to eject himself.

"Jack."

Ignore. Ignore. He's trying to eject himself. There are the aliens. Look at how much like insects they look, Jack. Don't they look like insects. They look like praying mantises, don't they—

"Jack."

"Shut up Merida."

I wasn't going to let her. She wasn't going to get me. He was ejecting himself now. He was rising through the breach. No wait, don't say breach. Don't think about that word.

"Jack."

How the fuck did that woman—

_Focus on the movie Jack_. The b—tunnel was destroyed, they were celebrating. The scientists were trying to see if they were alive.

"Jack."

"Merida, shut up!"

Don't think about your colon. Don't think about your—

"Jack."

"MERIDA I SWEAR TO GOD YOU HAD BETTER SHUT UP, OR I WILL KICK YOU OUT OF THIS HOUSE."

"Jack."

"Jack."

Don't let her. They're reuniting. Going in for the kiss.

"Jack."

"MERIDA I WILL FUCK YOU UP."

She's got to be weak. She's going to break soon.

"Jack."

"I FUCKING SWEAR TO CHRIST MERID—"

"—Jack."

I was staring into the screen with fierce attention. I'd always been staring at the screen. I couldn't focus on anything else. I couldn't risk looking at her.

"Jack."

"MERIDA I WILL KICK YOU OUT OF THIS FUCKING HOUSE AND YOU WILL NEVER COME B—"

"Jack."

" _FUCK_."

I was up and on my feet. This was it. I had to bail myself out. I had twenty seconds before I shit, whether I was on top of a toilet or not.

It was a beeline to the basement. Rapunzel would probably never leave the bathroom by the den, and there was no noise from upstairs but if Hiccup hadn't passed out (which might not be that inconceivable), it was still occupied. That left only the basement, unfinished and dirty and dark.

Three bathrooms.

In a moment of clarity, this was how I realised I probably hadn't thought this all the way through.

I was rushing at the bathroom door, hitting my head on it when the door didn't open as quickly as I pushed.

  


Have you ever ridden a roller-coaster before? They're a lot of fun, if you're into that sort of thing. You're moving fast, the wind is in your eyes, and you're looking forward but you can only see so much, your brain can only process so much. You're just going too fast for anything to make sense beyond the immediate.

There's a roller-coaster at the amusement park about an hour from our houses. It's all indoors. Alien themed. You're riding on a spaceship taking off, and it accelerates you to about 60 miles an hour in about five seconds (they're actually very cautious about who they let on it because of it). But you're "going through space." You can hear things, you can see snippets of something happening when a spotlight flashes, but otherwise, you're in the dark the whole time and everything is fast and you have no idea which way is up and which way is down.

Well let me tell you, this was what the following two minutes were like. For the record, I have never in my life crapped more than I did in that moment. Probably if you added together every time I had pooped from birth until this morning, it would begin to add up to what I was experiencing now. But it wouldn't stop. I couldn't breath. My heart might have stopped somewhere in the middle of all of it, for a moment at least.

The better part was that it was completely dark. I hadn't hit the light switch the right way when I came in, and there had been no going back for it a second time. So here I was, a shit conveyor belt with the settings turned past MAX. I couldn't control my limbs, and I was most likely thrashing wildly, but I couldn't be _sure_ because it was pitch black and the intensity of the bowel movements I was feeling right now were inflicting a vertigo on me so strongly that I knew what it felt to be weightless. At the start, I could feel myself bent over and my knees against my chest, but then my body whipped me to the side and I didn't know where the pieces of my body were anymore. Probably half of them were in the toilet now. All I knew was that I was going through the dark, alone and unguided and moving at roughly sixty miles per hour. My head felt the airiness you feel when you've just lost three fourths of your body mass.

Somewhere above my lifeless body, I could hear the screaming. The mad dashing. Merida's thick Scottish accent in a wild pitch of chords, and the banging on the doors. Frantic, heavy-footed movements throughout the house followed by a final, bodily collapse that shook the house from what I registered as being somewhere around the kitchen. There was a lot of Scottish screaming and cursing and then the back porch door was opened and the sound was gone.

There was loud, painful sobbing from above (above?) me, though whether it was Rapunzel or Hiccup's, I couldn't tell. It was intermingled with the harpy screeching from the former, though it was hard to say if it was being drowned out by the screeching or if, in fact, she was alternating between soul-crushing sobbing and violent shrieking.

The walls of the bathroom — probably all of the bathrooms — would have claw marks dug into them. I didn't want to even begin to imagine what the toilet bowls must look like, or what I could possibly tell my mom had been the cause of all this. For the moment, I don't think any of us were going to be leaving our respective rooms.

Rapunzel was possessed by a demon attempting to escape from Hell; Hiccup might very well have died; Merida was MIA after what sounded like a reversion to her Highlander roots. And me? My soul had never felt so pure and clean, because I had shit out all of my sin, all of my misdeeds, all of my wrongs back when I had flushed the toilet for the fourth time.

And you know?

This was all — completely — worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly a) can't believe I wrote this, and b) am so proud I wrote this. I also totally made up the challenge (I think) but am 100% for trying it if you want to get a group together. [Here's the post with just some of the reviews.](http://ahhhlec.tumblr.com/post/120405470071/jenandriel-seductressslutty-sneakyfeets)
> 
> (Also, I've never written in first person before — like, _ever_ — and this was so much fun to do)


End file.
